One good thought: Times are a’changin!

Hey everyone! So today’s good thought has come much later in the day than just after midnight which has been my routine so far. And that’s because it was a pretty massive day for us! Becaaaause, my sister… my beautiful, amazing, wonderful sister… goooot…  *drumroll please*… LEGALLY MARRIED! Now I add the legally bit because it was actually her registration and not her actual wedding. But it’s still an amazing event all the same. Today I looked at my little family sitting in a fancy registration room, beaming out at the three ladies who couldn’t help but say the names in the most hilarious way ever. I thought about everything we’ve been through, I thought about all those painful moments that seem to creep up on you when you least expect, I thought about the downs which were always just as big as our highest of highs, I looked at my amazing mother who’s all I could ever wish to be, I looked at my equally amazing father who would travel to the ends of the earth just to make us smile, I looked at my brother who is the strongest and most sincere man I have ever known, and I looked at my sister, who’s handled, and still handles, every little thing this world has thrown her with a calm head that always seems to know what’s what, and I just couldn’t help but smile. Massive, wide-eyed, toothy smiles. Grins that wouldn’t stop even when my cheeks hurt. Because when you’re filled with so much happiness, and pride, and wonder, you can’t help but smile.

I know I posted a little while back that the normal days, the boring ones, they are the ones that sometimes matter most. I definitely still believe that. But the big days, they matter in a different way. I appreciate the normal days, I treasure each and every single one of them because they are snapshots in time, they are moments I want to be repeated because they bring forth a happiness that stems from normality. It stems from the fact nothing major has happened, things have just flown beautifully, no highs or lows, just a safe, and comforting middle ground. Days like these though, they aren’t snapshots in time, they are a whole movie reel. They’re one of the big climaxes of the story of our lives. Because on those days you see just how far you’ve come. You see the culmination of a journey of change that you didn’t even realise you had set out on. It’s almost blinding. At least that’s what I felt today.

The actual wedding day is exactly a month from tomorrow, and I feel that today has set in motion the beginning of the end of this chapter of our lives. Not only will a whole new person be permanently part of our pack of five (or actually six because my parrot is, of course, a human being too), but my sister will be moving away to London after she ties the knot. Which means I don’t just ‘lose’ my big sister, I also ‘lose’ my best friend. Of course I’m not actually losing her, she’ll still be here of course. But things will be different, they’ll change. Sometimes, perhaps all the time, when even just one person leaves a close group, you lose a massive part of the true essence of who they are, you create a hole that you simply can’t fill. You’ll always feel it. And gosh it’s scary, and so painfully sad. I can’t imagine it at all, in fact I think I refuse to let myself think about it for fear of what’ll happen to me.

And that’s why I think of the exciting parts instead. I think about how I have a whole new brother, and I think of the visits I’ll give my sister in London (during which I will continually push the ‘have kids early’ proposition’). I think of the fact I have amazing friends who have already made sure I know they’ll be there for me when I turn into a moping, weeping, ball of mess. I think of the fact hopefully I’ll be starting my own new chapter in the world of work and all that that will open up for me; saving up money, and wanderlusting as much as I possibly can, finally getting to feel that sense of independence I’ve been searching for for so long. I think of the fact in October one of my best friends will finally be back from her placement abroad and I can see her face again after 18 months, and that we’ll hopefully be able to do all the things we’ve got planned in her last year in the UK (including a visit to Berlin!). I think of the fact I’m finally going to get my driving sorted and pass my test. I think of all the places I will visit now that this whole new part of my life is beginning, all the new people I’ll meet and share stories with. I think of that ever-growing sense of freedom that seems to have been unleashed within me the second I put the pen down during the last exam of my university career.

It’s exciting times! Things are changing it’s true, and part of it will be sad. But you always have that choice right? It’s that all important second part of my dual theory: perception. You can completely change a whole situation just by looking at it in a different way. It’s true power in your hands and it’s not given out to those with the most money, or greatest status. It’s all there, right inside you, ready to be unleashed 😀

I shall see you tomorrow pretty peeps! ♥

One good thought: Loving someone you haven’t even met yet

It’s a weird thing right? How can you love someone you haven’t even met? I mean, in some instances it makes perfect sense, like loving the unborn baby growing inside you, or growing inside your partner, sister, or mother for that matter. But to love another human being, who currently exists somewhere in the world, who you know nothing about, have never met, don’t even have a name for? And yet that’s exactly how I feel. As days go by and the issues of marriage and life partners crop up even more in my life, I can’t help but think back and admit to myself how much I long for that special someone. If you have been reading my blog so far you’ll know that I’ve mentioned this topic a few times, but every time I have it’s always connected to the sentence: ‘I’m not ready yet’. But now I think about it more I realise that maybe, just maybe, I am.

Why is it that I feel that way? Why is it that I feel I’ve been ready for a very long time now? I feel like I have been longing for something for ages now. No not something, someone. I’m longing for a person that I can totally rely on, that I can trust, that I can go on adventures with and experience all of the things I know I could never rely on my friends to experience with me. Go on a spiritual retreat in Scotland with, travel to Ecuador to experiment with ayahuasca with, go on that road trip across America with, move to New York with on a whim, wanderlust with. Someone who will help me to look deep inside myself, will show me all that I could be and more but give me the choice of whether or not I take that path, and will always make sure I know that I am perfect even if I don’t. Someone who can share my burdens and help even with the little things. Like making the dinner once in a while, and worrying about bills and money for me, or even just buying me a bouquet of flowers, just because he felt like it.

I sound desperate right? I probably am, and if I wasn’t so neck deep in those feelings perhaps I could see it. What’s even more crazy is that every part of me tells me that that guy is definitely out there, and that he will enter into my life. I want that crazy, insane type of love. That ‘can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, World Series kind of stuff’ (fans of It Takes Two will appreciate 😉 ). The romance from great books, and movies. And goddang it I am determined to get it!

I realise that once again I’m waffling about myself a bit, but it’s all for a reason don’t worry. Because my good thought today is just that. How amazing is our ability to love? If anyone can relate to what I’m going through they’ll know the wonder and amazement we experience at out ability to keep searching and keep hoping. To keep loving that person we haven’t even met yet. Every single day human beings astound me, and nothing does so more than the acts I see that are done purely out of love. The lengths we’ll go to to show that love to the person that means the most to us. Heck, we even make TV shows about it! *cough How I met your Mother cough*. That ability to love, and the amazing things we do in the name of it, makes me feel amazing! It makes me feel connected to this great world, and to all the amazing people in it. It fills me with hope and happiness and a general inability to stop jumping up and down on this chair and smiling like a fool at the computer screen as my mind desperately searches for the right words to say. Because that love isn’t solely reserved for my unknown knight. It’s reserved for every single person that I have connected to on this blog, that have said kind and beautiful things to me even though they haven’t even met me. I genuinely feel so much gratefulness and affection to you that it fills me up and beams out rays of love to all of you ❤

I shall leave you with this beautiful clip from How I met your Mother. For any (crazy) person who doesn’t know what it’s about, it follows a dude called Ted who is telling his two kids the nine-season long story of how he met their mother. I relate to this show so much and to the main character on so many levels. I genuinely love Ted, because of his optimism and his never ending fight to find The One, his romantic heart, and his amazing ability to pick himself up over and over again, even when his vision gets a bit blurred. He always manages to clear it out again and remind himself how it is all so worth it. This clip is when he’s reaching the end of his search, and you can see that he’s tired of the search, tired of that aching longing that surfaces sometimes, and the painful loneliness that often refuses to leave. I so hope ‘all that is forty five days away’ is true for me too.

See you tomorrow ♥

One good thought: Cross my heart and hope to die

So today’s post will probably be quite short; it’s been a long and emotional day and there’s lots of thoughts tumbling around in my head that need to get sorted out before I splurge them all on the screen. If you’ve been following my blog so far you’ll know that I’m a huge fan of the band Bastille. They’ve become a pretty big deal in the last year or so and although they’ve already had a number 1 album, it’s not the most popular song on that album that had me hooked. It’s this one:

I haven’t really talked much about relationships on this blog, and I think I’ve mentioned in a previous post that this is because, currently, there’s really absolutely zilch to report on that subject. But today I’ve sort of felt very emotional and clingy (which may have something to do with the How I met your mother marathon I had a few days ago- have I mentioned it’s frickin’ AWESOME?!). Today I caught myself feeling desperate for that special companionship, that comfort, understanding and belonging that love brings. It hurt a bit when I thought about it more because I know that, deep down, I am nowhere near ready to venture into that world. And it will be a long time before I take that first step. And so today my good thought is to all those people who have that beautiful and crazy thing called love, those people who’ve found that assurance in the knowledge that they’ve found their one, or as Phoebe would say, their lobster. Sometimes you might forget just how amazing that is, that in a world of seven billion, you found that one person that you feel the most comfortable with, the one who’s there to stand by you in the good times and the bad, the one who shares each crazy moment with you, the one you can come home to at the end of a crappy day, the one that can see you without the make up, doesn’t care if you’ve been to the gym for a while, maybe even the one you don’t mind farting in front of 🙂

Of course I’m not naive, and I know that no relationship comes without it’s obstacles, compromises, and arguments. But just knowing that you have someone worth fighting for, gosh I can’t imagine what that feels like. So yes, today I’m sending out a million good thoughts to all those people who’ve managed to find their lobster, and I’m wishing and hoping that you find crazy amounts of happiness with that person, and that you both help each other to become the absolute best that you can be. And to all those people who, like me, haven’t found their person yet but, also like me, are definitely feeling like they wish they would hurry the hell up; I’m with you buddy, and I know one day they’re going to turn up on your doorstep, and then everything else will melt away. Those moments of searching, they’ll disappear and you’ll be left wondering over how you could have lasted that long. You’ll know that every second you waited was worth it, and you’ll find within that special person all the happiness you’ve ever wanted.

Even though my mind’s having a bit of trouble concentrating through the mist of sleep that’s descending, I feel perhaps I’ve written this more for myself than anyone else- honestly I don’t think I’ve stressed it enough, really clingy today! Normally I actually have a backbone and rant about how I don’t need no man! But hey, sometimes even the best of us have their moments of weakness. Excuse me while I go gorge on a tub of ice cream and play Laughter Lines on repeat.

See you tomorrow me lobsters! ♥

One good thought: Sometimes, we screw up.

Being unemployed with very little to do gives you a lot of time to get to know things about yourself you were too busy or too afraid to acknowledge before. Today was one of those days of realisations. If there’s one thing you need to know about me it’s that I’m a strong believer in justice. Seeing someone carry out an unjust action makes me angry, incredibly angry. Not a day goes by that I don’t read a news story, see something on the streets, or even just find myself thinking of how broken the systems of the world is, and find myself getting mad and horribly upset. I carry it all with me each day and every few weeks or months I’ll reach breaking point; I find myself having to huddle into a ball in the corner of my room filled with panic at the very concept that there are so many things to change and every action I take is too small to even make a dent. But slowly, I’ll pull myself out of it and realise that no good will ever come from allowing yourself to be pulled under into a sea of helplessness. And that’s when I get my ass in gear and go try and do something useful.

The problem with this desire for justice is that it makes relationships with certain people in my life difficult. To be honest, they’re definitely in the extreme minority. But I think everyone will find that at some point in their lives a person will enter into it that simply doesn’t fit. Mine has been with me my whole life, but it’s only very recently that we’ve suddenly morphed into violently opposing personalities. To cut a long story short, this individual hurt people that I care deeply about in a way that I find extremely hard to forgive. I hate conflict and would never go out of my way to start a fight unless the douchbag is really asking for it. And so I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping my distance and just making sure our paths never crossed. But as I realised today, even having a full on cat fight would have been a better strategy. By ignoring the problem and trying to pretend like you aren’t affected by it, all you are doing is pushing your feelings deep below the surface. But the thing is, they won’t stay there. It’s like when you’re at the swimming pool and you try your hardest to push the float under the water despite the obvious friction that’s forcing its way upwards; the second you relax it’ll burst out again (Also, I have a very real phobia of swimming and I use a float. I ain’t embarassed!)

The reason all of these thoughts came up today is because events have led up to a situation where that individual will, in the not too distant future, be entering into my own private bubble. I won’t lie, there have been arguments about the whole thing and the result remained the same; the bubble just ain’t tough enough this time. As I thought about it more though, the suggestion to get it all out in the open began to become less and less appealing. I don’t want the argument, I knew that. So what did I want? As I looked back and talked about it I realised that once again, my desire for justice was making things difficult. My anger at this individual stems from the fact they have done something wrong, something I would never do. And what hurt more was that there have been many times where I have been compared to them, and even lectured to be more like them. I wanted justice for that, and my desire for it had managed to apply a lens on every single action that they have carried out since, not seeing them as isolated incidents of bad judgement but rather grouping them together to support my decision to get that individual out of my life.

In doing all of this, I realised one simple truth today; I have taken away that individual’s right to be human, the right to make a mistake, the right to screw up. We all have that right I guess. So long as we realise that what we have done is wrong and that our intention was never to hurt anyone. By distancing myself from this individual, I stopped them from ever learning why, and instead I allowed it to build up so that it’s reached a point where things may well be permanently broken. I completely understand that we are different people, and the chances of us becoming BFFs and sharing tubs of ice cream as we drool over Dan Smith are a hell of a lot less than you finding a camel in your bed tomorrow morning. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t at least say hello without being so bloody fake.

There are so many more layers to this story but they don’t matter. What it all comes down to is the fact today I realised that I made a pretty huge mistake and I think I always knew that, I just sort of kidded myself that I was in the right and so everything I did was therefore okay. I screwed up. And I know what I did wrong. And tomorrow I’m going to try and fix that because if there’s even a slight possibility to fix this all, I’m not going to let it go. Even if it means swallowing my sometimes-bloated ego.

I’ll see you tomorrow my perfect peeps! ♥